The New Jonesy/Script
and Nikki are skating on the ice. Jonesy pulls ahead and purrs at his girlfriend but loses his balance. Jonesy: "Whoa!" catches her unsteady boyfriend. Jude honks at them from behind the wheel of his Zamboni as he uses it to polish the ice. Behind him, little kids follow, cheering him on. One of them, Stanley, spots an unsteady adult and zips over to steal the man's belt. The man's pants subsequently fall down. Penalty Box Customer: "Oh no. Oh dear." covers himself. and Nikki skate along. They stop when they see Caitlin at the entrance, trying to skate with stiff legs. Caitlin: "Whoa. Easy now. Easy." Jen: "Why is Caitlin skating like that?" Wyatt: "Beats me." skate over to their blonde friend. Caitlin: "Not another step! I spent the entire afternoon at the salon, and my hair is perfection. I want to enjoy it while it–" drives by, and Caitlin's hair poofs into an afro. "–LAASTS!" kids tailing Jude laugh at her. Caitlin whimpers. Caitlin: "How bad is it?" Wyatt: "Pretty bad." Jen: "Ooh. I think they call that the dandelion effect." starts to cry. Jonesy and Nikki skate up, Jonesy laughing as he looks at Caitlin. Jonesy: "Nice coiff!" takes out some facial cream and applies it to his face while Jen and Nikki try to comfort Caitlin. Wyatt: "Caitlin's having a hair meltdown, and you're applying face cream?" Jonesy: "Not face cream, man gel. Part of Huntington's new line of male products. They're launching a before-and-after campaign, and I landed the gig as the after, natch." Nikki: snickering "More like the morning after." Jen: "What? Sorry. I was just looking for Smithy." Caitlin: "Ooh! Is this a new boyfriend?" Jen: "Uh-huh. He's so cute and funny and totally crazy about me! He calls me..." a long pause "Jenner!" of her friends are impressed. Jen: "It's adorable when Smithy says it, trust me." Jonesy: snickering "Smithy? What kind of name is Smithy? Is it a first name or a last name? Make up your mind!" Nikki: "I have no idea, Jonesy." smile drops from Jonesy's face. Jen: "There he is!" waving "Smithy! Over here! Yoo-hoo!" guy Jen is looking at looks exactly like Jonesy, only with brown hair and a differently colored t-shirt. Smithy: Jonesy "Hey, I'm Smithy. Nice to meet you." Jonesy: "Whoa." Smithy: "Better jet, or we'll miss the movie." and Jen leave. The other four stare after them, amazed by what they just saw. Nikki: "That was...freaky." Caitlin: "Smithy could be Jonesy's identical twin! Except with better hair." Jonesy: "Ha! You should talk! Guess Jen still has feelings for me! If you can't go Jonesy, you gotta go Clonesy." rolls her eyes as Jonesy cackles. ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''The New Jonesy' ---- ''is sitting on the Zamboni as Jude pilots it through the rink. Young Kid: "Rock on, Zamboni Dude!" Jude: "Thanks, little dude. Fans like you make it all worthwhile." Wyatt: "Fans? Since when do you have fans?" Pretty Girl: to him "Jude! I think you missed a spot!" Jude: "Thanks, bra!" Wyatt: "You have groupies too?" Jude: "Chicks can't deny the call of the Zamboni." Wyatt: "Looks like nobody can." points to a balding man chasing the Zamboni. Penalty Box Customer: bashfully "Hahahahaha." bats his eyelashes and waves at the Zamboni. Jude: "No, Zamboni! You don't know your own powers!" ---- and Caitlin are gathered by the Big Squeeze. Nikki: "It's so obvious! How can Jen not see it?" Caitlin: to get her hat on "I know! Even this stupid lemon hat can't tame my unmanageable hair." Nikki: "I was talking about Smithy." Caitlin: "Right. I read about this in Teen Glam. It's called Mister Replacement. Jen's subconscious still hasn't worked through her crush on Jonesy from seventh grade. Now it's manifesting in a replacement crush." Nikki: "So Jen...does like Jonesy?" Caitlin: "Jen's brain won't let her see that Smithy looks exactly like Jonesy. Not until she works through her feelings." Nikki: "You got all that from Teen Glam?" Caitlin: "Mmm-hmm. They branched out after the demise of the boy bands." Nikki: "What are we gonna do?" Caitlin: "We just have to jolt Jen's subconscious into communicating with her conscious again." Nikki: "Uh-huh." Caitlin: out several metal tins "Luckily I'm a trained professional." ---- and Wyatt are sitting in a booth at Burger McFlipster's. Wyatt is building a tower out of frozen burger patties when a horn honks and Jude drives into the store. Jude: "Dudes. Say hello to my sweet ride." Wyatt: "I'm...pretty sure Zambonis aren't allowed in the mall, Jude." Jude: "The ice needed a break from all the fans, so, I figured, why not take Zamboni Dude off-roading?" group of kids walk past, cheering the Zamboni. "See?" Pomp and Circumstance plays "It's my duty, nay, my ice-polishing obligation, to give the people what they want!" Ron: up behind him "What I want, maggot, is justice. I'm giving you a citation for illegal parking of an amphibious vehicle." Jude: "Heavy." Wyatt: "Do you stay up late at night making these up?" Ron: "I'm usually in bed by ten-ish." Jude: out his wallet "No worries, mall cop dude. This should totally cover the charges." pays. Ron: the cash "You got off lucky this time, punk! But I'll be watching you." backs out of the store, keeping an eye on Jude. Jonesy: "Whoa. Where'd you get all that cheddar?" Jude: "I gave a couple bras a lift, and they slipped me a tip." Jonesy: "Nice." Wyatt: "Yo soft-skin, aren't you supposed to be working at Huntington's?" Jonesy: "Yeah yeah yeah." leaves. Wyatt: Jude "If I help, will you cut me in for half the tips?" Jude: "Couldn't do it without you, bro." ---- Caitlin, and Jen peek out from behind a potted plant. They are spying on Jonesy and Smithy, who are in booths at El Sporto's. Both have a hot dog and a drink with them. Jen: "You dragged me away from work so I could watch Smithy eat a hot dog?" Nikki: "Ssh! Just pay attention!" Jonesy and Smithy take a bite. Mustard leaks onto both of their shirts. Smithy: "Bummer." Jonesy: "Bummer." Jen: "So Jonesy and Smithy are both slobs. So what?" Nikki: "How can you not see it? Jonesy and Smithy are practically clones!" and Smithy are both trying to suck the mustard off of their shirts. Jen: "All guys are sloppy eaters." Caitlin: directions from her magazine "Resistance is normal. Keep exposing subject to stimuli." looks up. "Hey! Where's our stimuli?" and Smithy have vacated the premises. ---- girls creep over to Grind Me under cover of a newspaper. Inside, Jonesy is looking at a sports magazine while Smithy drinks coffee. Jen: "You guys are acting weirder than usual." Caitlin: "This'll only take a sec, Jen." pretty girl walks by Jonesy. Jonesy: "Nice..." leaning back so his eyes can follow her, he falls out of his chair. She passes Smithy. Smithy: "Nice..." does a repeat performance of Jonesy's fall. Jen gasps. Caitlin: "That's what we've been trying to tell you! Smithy and Jonesy are identical!" Jen: "Yeah! Identical pigs! I can't believe my boyfriend checked out a Betty!" Nikki: "Yeah, remind me to kill Jonesy later." ---- has stopped his golf cart and is surveying the mall. Ron: a walkie-talkie "All quiet in sector 16." man runs by him, carrying a purse. Old Lady: "That thief stole my purse!" Ron: "What-oh-right don't worry, ma'am. I've got the perp in my sights." puts on his sirens and moves the cart forward at an incredibly slow speed. Ahead of the chase, Jude notices the sirens and sees the man running towards him. He releases a deluge of water from the Zamboni, which the man slips on. The man slips and slams into the Zamboni, falling over and releasing the purse, which Jude catches. The mall cheers him. Guy in Crowd: "Zamboni Dude! Zamboni Dude!" Ron: up to Jude "Interfering with official mall business is a punishable offense. Your days are numbered, Zamboni Dude." old lady walks up to Jude. Old Lady: "Thank you, young man." reaching to get her purse, she inadvertently swings her cane back, and it hits Ron in a very sensitive area. Ron: squeaky "This ain't over, punk." ---- is folding jockstraps at work. Nikki and Caitlin stand by the entrance. Nikki: "Our intervention obviously isn't working. I'm just gonna march in there and ask Jen how she feels about Jonesy." Caitlin: "Break it to Jen gently! And don't be surprised if she doesn't take it well!" has finished folding the jockstraps. She turns around to face her friend. Jen: "Hey Nikki. What's up?" Nikki: "Do you–um–how do I put this? Uh...do you have a thing for Jonesy?" stares straight ahead for a second before breaking into a gale of laughter. Nikki: "Well I–I just–" continues laughing. Nikki: "What I meant was–" laughter continues for another thirty-two minutes. Nikki: "She's taking it pretty well." Coach Halder: "Masterson! You're not paid to laugh. Get back to work! Hey, was that a chuckle? Alright, I'll let it go this time." Jen: laughing "This isn't about my stupid journal entry from the seventh grade, is it?" Nikki: "No, it's about you dating Jonesy's clone!" Jen: angry "What are you talking about? Smithy is nothing like Jonesy! He likes opera! He speaks French! He hates organized sports!" Nikki: "But–but–" Jen: "No buts! This conversation is over!" walks away. Caitlin: "Told you she wouldn't take it well." ---- is sitting on the hood of the Zamboni while Jude drives. Three pre-teen girls are perched next to Wyatt. Jude: "...and to your right is Meat Chunklets. It's chunky going down! And coming back up." hears sirens and stops. Ron gets out and starts writing a citation. "What seems to be the problem, mall cop dude?" Ron: "Failure to signal. Illegal dumping of ice rink ice." gestures. A man comes along and slips on it. Penalty Box Customer: "Oh!" hurt "Ow." Ron: "And overzealous use of mood music." Jude: into his pants for money "These fines are seriously harshing our profit margin." Ron: "Zamboni bylaws do not lie." moves to leave. Wyatt: "There's no such thing as Zamboni bylaws! You're just jealous that Jude's better at protecting the mall than you are. Face it. You can't compete with Zamboni Dude." Ron: "Oh, I can compete, son. And I can win." Jude "Your Zamboni against my golf cart. If you win, you have the run of the mall. But if I win, you have to give up the Zamboni for good. We got a deal, maggot?" Jude: "Deal." Ron: "I'll see you punks at three P. M." starts his cart. "Sharp." drives away. The pre-teen girls cheer, and Wyatt hi-fives Jude. ---- and Caitlin spy on Jonesy, who is by a display inside Huntington's. Smithy walks up to him. Smithy: "Hey Jonesy. Is this where I apply to be the after model for Huntington's new men's line?" Jonesy: "Sorry, but you're already looking at him. If you want, I can put in a good word for you as the before." Smithy: "Cool. I could really use the job. It's almost as if I get fired every week." Nikki: "It's like Jonesy's looking in a mirror!" Caitlin: "It's obvious to everyone except poor sick Jen!" Zamboni drives by. Wyatt is on top, serenading a couple with a song. Wyatt: "I love my peeps/Jason and Joanie/Takin' a ride/On the love Zamboni." to form, Jason and Joanie are making out while Wyatt plays his guitar for them. Wyatt: "Together forever–" Jude: Jonesy "Dude!" Jonesy: "Jude!" Wyatt: "Nothing ever comes of forever–" spots Smithy. He looks back and forth between the two, shocked. Jude: "YAAAAAHHHH!!! There's like two Jonesys!" Wyatt: "Jude, watch out! AAAH!" Zamboni is about to crash into one of the mall's support pillars. Wyatt, Jason, and Joanie bail, while Jude rips the wheel to the left. The Zamboni avoids the pole. Jude: "AAAAHH! AAAAHHH!" Zamboni slams into a wig display outside Huntington's. A brown wig flies onto Jonesy's head, a blonde one onto Wyatt's, and a red one onto Jude's. Jude gets up, panting. Jude: "I was–seeing doub–GGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" spots the two. This time, they look identical, due to the brown wig Jonesy is wearing. Jonesy: "Jude!" Jude: shocked "Two–dudes?" Ad Manager: them "Before-and-after twins? Great idea! You're hired!" woman pulls Smithy away to take some shots. Jen walks through the crowd and spots Jonesy. Jen: "There you are! You'll never believe what Nikki just said to me." grabs Jonesy and kisses him. Wyatt gasps. Jonesy: the liplock "What'd you do that for?" Jen: "Is something wrong, Smithy?" Jonesy: "Yeah! 'Cause I'm Jonesy!" rips the wig off. Jen: "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Caitlin: reading "That's called a first-phase breakthrough." Jen: "GGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Nikki: "Yeah. With my boyfriend. Great." begins to cry. ---- gang are gathered around the table. Jen is wiping her mouth on the sleeve of her hoodie. Jen: "I can't believe I kissed Jonesy!" Jonesy: the wig and laughing "You're totally jonesing for Jonesy! Once you've got it, there's no cure for Jonesy fever." Nikki: "How about penicillin?" Wyatt: "It's okay, Jen. We all know you used to crush on Jonesy." Jen: "I also used to wet the bed. People change! I only kissed Jonesy because he was wearing that stupid wig." Wyatt: "Why are you still wearing that thing?" Jonesy: "I have to, for the Huntington's campaign. They want me and Smithy to look identical." Nikki: "See? Even Huntington's thinks they look alike." Jen: "You'll all wrong! Smithy is one-of-a-kind!" places their hands over her eyes. Smithy: "Guess who?" Jude: to Jen "It's Smithy." Jen: Smithy's hands down "I know who it is! Hey Smithy." Smithy: out two tickets "Look what I have." Jen: excited "Two tickets to the White Hot Albino Peppers concert! Woo!" Smithy: "Only the best for my Jenner." winks. Jen: "How thoughtful, and so unlike something Jonesy would do." Jonesy: "Hey!" Smithy: "Think the tickets deserve a kiss?" nods, and they move close. Suddenly, Smithy transforms into Jonesy. Jen shakes it off, but can't go through with the kiss. Jen: Smithy away "No!" Smithy: "Is something wrong?" Jen: herself "I meant, no way I can wait for this concert!" purses his lips again. "No kiss! I mean, you're the best, Smithy!" and Jen turn and walk away. Jonesy: them "Poor kid. She's really got it bad for Jonesy." Nikki: "Watch it Jonesy." ---- is teaching Jude yoga while at work rather than serving customers. Wyatt: "That's it, Jude. You need to be in top shape for this race with Ron. Be the Zamboni. Become one with the machine." Jude: "What's this move called?" Wyatt: "Crouching Zamboni, broken mall cop. Ron doesn't stand a chance." ---- and Smithy are inside the Penalty Box. Jen: "I'm really excited about the concert. Thanks again for the tickets." Smithy: "Anything for you, Jenner." moves to kiss her, and his face transforms into Jonesy's. Jen falls back. Jen: "Gah!" Smithy: "Are you okay?" looks into her boyfriend's concerned eyes, and he turns into Jonesy again. She gets an idea. Jen: "You know what you need? A makeover!" Smithy: "I dunno–" Jen: "Here, this hat is so cool. And these sunglasses? And this jacket, do it all the way up. Perfect!" is totally hidden from view. Smithy: "I'm starting to think you don't like me the way I am." Jen: nervously "What gave you that idea, silly?" Smithy: the excess clothes "Maybe I should go to the concert alone." Jen: "I like you, Smithy, really I do! It's just I'm–I'm–I'm not attracted to you anymore!" Smithy: "Gee thanks." Jen: "No, I mean you remind me of my brother. I mean my stepbrother. I mean–ooh, I'm not explaining this right!" Smithy: leaving "You've explained it just fine." ---- has almost molded her hair back when it poofs up again. Jen: tearful "My relationship with Smithy is over." Caitlin: around "Jen? Where are you?" Jen: "Down here." is huddled in a heap under the table. Nikki: "You haven't hidden from boys since Junior Cardoza threatened to cut off your ponytail in kindergarten." Jen: "I know, this is so bad!" Caitlin: "Come up here. You don't want to sit on that floor, it hasn't been cleaned in months!" Nikki: "Isn't that your job?" Caitlin: "Let's focus on Jen, shall we?" helps Jen up. Jen bumps into Jonesy, who was walking by. Jonesy: "Whoa, careful! Hands off, Jen. You may have the hots for the Jonesmiester, but the slab of gorgeous man-meat you see before you is taken." Nikki: her hot dog away "And there goes my lunch." Jonesy: "It's not your fault, Jen. No chick is safe from my raw animal magnetism. For Nikki's sake, I'll do my best to dial it down, but I can't promise anything." Jen: irritated "What are you talking about? I don't have–" Jonesy: her "Sssh. You don't need to tell me. I can feel your pain." gets hit with a lemon. "Ow!" Jen: "Now you can feel your pain." Jonesy: his head "Good to see heartbreak hasn't affected your aim." Smithy: offscreen "Jen!" Jen: panicked "Oops! I–I gotta run!" takes off away from them. Smithy: "Jen, wait!" is carrying a box. "Your stuff!" stops. "I came to give Jen her stuff back." plucks a hair from his arm. "Ow! What was that?" Caitlin: "I wanted to see if you get hurt, does Jonesy feel pain." Jonesy: "Nope. Nothing." a fist "Maybe you have to really hurt–" drops Jen's stuff and bolts. ---- clock in the mall strikes three. It's time for the race to begin. Wyatt: at the starting line "Drivers, start your engines!" over to Caitlin and Nikki "Isn't this a girl's job?" racers start their engines. Ron: "Oh, you're going down, maggot!" Jude: on his stereo "Eat my ice chips, mall cop dude! Ahhahahaha!" Wyatt: "On your mark–get set–go!" waves the flag, and the racers take off at an extremely slow rate. Caitlin and Nikki: "Go! Go! Go!" Jonesy: "C'mon, Jude, we're all counting on you!" chuckles as he gains a lead over Ron. Ron growls. Ron: himself "That music's really distracting." Jude: "Sorry." shuts the music off and increases his speed. Wyatt: "Go go go!" racers continue onwards. Wyatt and Jonesy walk after them. Nikki and Jen stop by a kiddie ride. Jen: "Is the coast clear?" peeks out from behind the ride. Caitlin: "Smithy isn't here, if that's what you mean." Nikki: "Don't you think you're taking this too far?" Jen: "What if you're right, Nikki? If I wasn't hung up on Jonesy, why would I fall for a guy who looks exactly like him?" slumps over the front of the ride. Caitlin: "Maybe you didn't fall for Smithy because he looks like Jonesy. Maybe you fell for him in spite of it." Jen: "Interesting. Keep talking." Caitlin: "As soon as you realized Smithy looks like Jonesy, you didn't want to kiss him anymore, right?" Jen: "Ew! No way." Caitlin: "And you didn't think they looked alike until Nikki pointed it out. Right?" Jen: "Yeah. So?" Caitlin: "Maybe you have a case of the look-a-likes! Much less serious than Mr. Replacement." Jen: "Well, Smithy does like poetry. He even wrote me a love poem." Nikki: "The closest I ever got to a love poem was when Jonesy burped There Once Was a Man from Nantucket." Caitlin: "See? Different. What else?" Jen: "Smithy loves cooking. He made me my favorite pasta dinner, from scratch!" Nikki: "Jonesy ordered us his favorite pizza once. I paid for it." Jen: "Smithy calls me Jenner in that most adorable way!" Nikki: "On our last date, Jonesy called me Hey You. Are you sure you don't want Jonesy, 'cause...I might want to trade up." Jen: "You guys are so right! I do like Smithy! Thanks Caitlin!" walks off to find her ex and mend things. Nikki: Caitlin, disbelieving "A case of the look-a-likes? Did you get that from Teen Glam too?" Caitlin: "Teen Pulse. Trumps Teen Glam every time. Basic magazine hierarchy." Nikki: sarcastic "I'm learning so much." ---- is at work. Jen: "Smithy!" runs up to him and tries to kiss, but he pushes her away. Smithy: "I'm sorry, Jen. It's over." Jen: muffled "But–I'm Jenner." Smithy: "I thought you were too. But all you've been trying to do lately is change me. Jenner loves me the way I am." walks away from her. Jen: "We could really have something special now that I've stopped picturing kissing my brother!" bystander passing the store stops and looks at her oddly. ---- Zamboni and the golf cart are slowly approaching the finish line. Pre-Teen Girl #2: "Go Zamboni Dude, go!" Jonesy: tired "Go Zamboni Dude." yawns. Pre-Teen Girl #3: tired "Zamboni Dude." waves to the fans and then presses a button on his Zamboni. This discharges a pool of water, on which Ron loses traction. Ron skids to the side and crashes, his cart flipping over along the way. Wyatt: "Down goes Mall Cop!" crowd cheers. A fan comes up to Jude, and he stops. Young Boy: out a notepad "Zamboni Dude, can I have your autograph?" Jude: it "Sure thing, little bro." is instantly surrounded by a bunch of fans, all wanting autographs. Wyatt runs up to him. Wyatt: "Jude! Maybe you should finish the race before you start signing autographs?" Jude: "Chill, I'm seriously in the lead." manages to get his golf cart upright again. He starts driving towards the finish. Jonesy and Wyatt notice. Jonesy: "Uh, Jude?" doesn't answer. "Uh, Jude?" Jude: "Not now, bro. Zamboni Dude doesn't turn his back on his awesome fans! Zamboni Dude likes to walk among the little bros and bras who dream of one day riding that big Zamboni across the rink of life!" Wyatt: "Does Zamboni Dude like to lose?" looks ahead and sees Ron crossing the finish line. Ron smiles at him wickedly before coming back. Ron: out his hand "Goodbye to Zamboni Dude, maggot." drops his keys into Ron's outstretched palm. ---- of the six are seated around the table, and Caitlin, whose hair has gone back to normal, is serving them lemon drinks. They sip their drinks quietly. Jen: "Your hair looks great, Cait. No more puffball." Caitlin: "Thanks." sighs. Jen: "Still bummed about the Zamboni?" Jude: "Maybe it's for the best. I let fame corrupt me. I forgot what Zamboni Dude was really about: the ice." groans. Wyatt: "Lemme guess. You lost your job?" Jonesy: "Turns out nine out of ten shoppers thought Smithy's before looked better than my after, so the line tanked!" grunts unhappily. Jonesy: "Don't worry, Jen, I'll find another job." Jen: "Like I care about that! I just got dumped! Smithy didn't even give me a second chance! He'll never find another Jenner." walks past with a girl on his arm. This girl looks like a blonde version of Jen. Nikki: "Something tells me he'll be just fine." Jonesy: "Whoa! She's a dead ringer for Jen!" Jen: "Really? Sorry, I just don't see it." Jude, Caitlin, Jonesy, Nikki, and Wyatt: "Not again!" Ron: up to the table "Attention soldier!" stands at attention. Ron drops the Zamboni keys into his palm. Ron: "Report back to the ice rink at 1700 hours." Jude: "You're...giving me back my Zamboni? How come?" Ron: "An old army Zamboni injury has prevented me from fulfilling my rink duties." Wyatt: "What army owns a Zamboni? Unless you were invading Finland?" Ron: angry "That information was supposed to be classified." leaves. Jude: "All right! Zamboni Dude is back! And this time, he's totally gonna shun fame and focus on the ice!" Pretty Girl: "Zamboni Dude! Can I have your autograph?" Jude: "No problem, bra." Jonesy: "Grab him, guys!" friends tackle him and pin him down. Jude: "Hey! Just one more!" to get out "T-then I'll stop. Promise." Category:Season 3